The holidays bring up so many feelings in us. We may feel stressed out, afraid of overspending, nervous about being around family members, annoyed with all the commercialism, and upset for any number of reasons that seem to intensify during the holiday season. When you are alone, all these things can become magnified and the season can become a time of depression, loneliness, and grief. So, what are we to do about this time of year?
There are so many articles about making the season more festive, bright, and fun. They show us pictures of families in matching pajamas gathered around the tree opening presents and big parties where everyone is raising their glasses in the spirit of festive fun. This is not that article. This is to address what so many are feeling but are too afraid to say; being alone during the holiday season when you don’t have a family of your own and the invitations are sparse is difficult to bear.
As a holistic therapist who works with ACONs, Adult Children of Narcissists, I hear the deep and painful truth of what the holiday can bring. Having a parent whose love is transactional can make holiday commercialism feel like a burden. How you perform, how you look to others, and what you do matter the most. Not who you are and the value of your character. Because this way of being viewed has reduced you to an object, you may feel like you don’t want to participate at all.
Narcissistic parents spend much of their time isolating family members in various ways. There will be approved activities that are generally made to make the narcissist look good but there will also be a set of rigid rules to follow that require you to be silent about what happens behind closed doors. This can create a habit of isolating yourself into adulthood because you were quite literally programmed to isolate and silence yourself. You may find yourself spending a lot of time alone and enjoying it but when the holidays roll around, you may feel the aching sense of loneliness creeping up because it’s now so strikingly evident that you are alone. Then, if you’re single in midlife and you know that a family of your own isn’t possible, that can take you even deeper into the void of loneliness.
It’s perfectly okay to feel what you are feeling. It is just fine and quite freeing to cry it out. Letting grief come out to be expressed is an important part of the process of healing this inner void that we think must be filled with others during the holidays because the messages are all around us to do that. Please acknowledge where you are in this, what you are feeling, and let it out in ways that can be helpful to you. Cry, journal, go for a run, make an appointment with your therapist, or do any other thing that may be a healthy and self-supportive way to express your feelings.
Please do not hurt yourself with alcohol, drugs, meaningless sex, retail relief, sugar, binging TV, or other avoidance behaviors that will just make you feel much worse than you already do. Let this be the year that you stop yourself from those behaviors and look for ways to heal this void rather than trying to fill it with things that make you feel terrible about yourself because they are damaging you further. Changing this one thing about how you cope with the grief will be one of the best decisions you ever made. I am not suggesting you stop shopping or drinking or eating cheesecake. What I am saying is to stop using those things as a way to cope because they never work.
Another very important thing to assess is the status of your own life. The end of the year is an excellent time to do this. Do you really want a relationship? Do you really want a family? You can potentially marry into another family at any point in your life. My dear friend’s mom found the love of her life at eighty years old. Anything is possible but do you really want those things? You absolutely do not need these things to live a happy life.
Family comes to us in many different ways. We create them in our friend groups. We can find them in a church or a business networking group or any other interest where people gather that is meaningful to you. You can even find a dear friend who has a family of their own who treat you better than your family of origin does. Being with functional families during celebrations can be quite healing.
Assessing how you feel about your own life is critical. Write down the story of what you would like your life to look like. You may find fulfillment in traveling and working in your own business. You may want a significant other or maybe now is not the time. There is no pressure for you to have a life that looks a certain way. Yes, society, other family members, and friends can put this pressure on you by always asking you about your love life but it’s the pressure you put on yourself that matters the most. This is one thing you have control over and getting clear about what you want, accepting your life as it currently is, and releasing yourself from the expectations of others will help the loneliness factor immensely.
This holiday season, take stock of your life. Get out your journal (or go purchase one) and write down your goals for 2025. They may not include a partner or family. They may be very different than that. As you write down what you would like to create in 2025, get into the feeling of it. If you are excited about it, let that emotion overtake you! Also, see yourself accomplishing the things you want to create. What does the moment of triumph look and feel like? Get into that emotion and let it flood your system. Emotions have SO much power so when you intentionally flood your body with joy, excitement, creativity, and love, you can bring healing to every cell of it.
So, get to it and have a happy, fun, and inner fulfilled holiday season by honoring you and what you desire to create! Write it down and let go of the outcome. It nearly always comes to you in ways that are much better than you could have ever possibly imagined.
Holistic health expert, Dr. Meg Haworth helps wounded ACON’s (Adult Children of Narcissists & toxic parents) to become healed ICON’s (Independent, Confident, Original & Naturally YOU) in her ICONIC ME coaching program, The Toxic Parent Recovery Summit, online courses, and her YouTube Channel. You can reach out to her for a free consultation at www.meghaworth.com
